Celebrating Body Positivity
Body Positivity has been something I’ve struggled with most of my life. In fact I can vividly remember the moment in which I became insecure about my body.
I was nine years old and witnessed a girl gossip about another girl's stomach and how large it was. The comment wasn’t even made about me but it was enough to crush my innocence I had up until that point with my body image. It became a mental note ingrained in my brain that having a tummy was a bad thing and if you had one people would make fun of you. While I’ve since shaken that mindset, unfortunately the effects of that moment in time were something that stayed with me years after the initial incident.
My relationship with body image issues is not an uncommon one, and even worse through conversations with female friends I’ve discovered the age in which I started having this unhealthy mindset was pretty universal. To put that time into more perspective, at nine years old I had just started 4th grade, my body hadn’t even really begun developing yet, the morning break between classes was called recess and not brunch, and it was used to get out some of my energy on swinging on the monkey bars. I remember shortly after that incident going on a family vacation to Kauai, the first time I was insecure in a bathing suit. My dad took a photo of my brother and I splashing around in the ocean and I consciously sucked in my stomach for the first time, hoping to make my belly nonexistent.
For years later I avoided wearing a swimsuit in public. I absolutely dreaded pool parties, only going into the water if I was wearing swim shorts and rash guard on top. I’d justify this decision to my friends by saying it was because of my vitiligo, the part of my skin that lacks pigment, and that I was wearing the excessive clothing to protect it from the sun. Honestly if I had just worn sunscreen I would’ve been fine. I truly just felt that low about my body that I would rather just sit on the edge and dip my toes in then actually go swimming with my friends.
In my teen years my family started going on a yearly trip to Kauai with our family friends. On these trips, rather than actually go into the ocean, I’d lay out in the sun and watch from the sand as my brother would boogie board and my mom would swim laps, simply because our friends were around and I didn’t feel at all comfortable being in a swimsuit with them near. They never did anything to make me feel bad, I was jumping to vast conclusions when looking back on it, it’s safe to say they would not have cared. On the rare instance I did get in, it was a rush to get deep enough in the water that you could only see my head poking out, and as soon as I was done I’d make sure to book it back to my towel to cover up my body.
I don’t share stories from my past for sympathy. I share this because through conversations with peers I’ve found out how many of my friends had similar insecurities but felt alone because we weren’t communicating our struggles.
Part of why I can go more in depth with my experience, is because I’m in a much healthier mindset today. I can acknowledge how it was society's standards of beauty that made me associate my value as a woman with my appearance. More importantly I’m aware that I want to use my voice to be a part of the change, and share my journey with learning to love my body in the hope it will help others do the same.
So how did I get to this much more positive and healthy mindset? Disclaimer, it didn’t happen overnight and it is still something I’m working on (progress, not perfection). I’m also in no way an expert on it, I can only speak from my own experiences and what others have taught me.
I was already well into my fitness journey when I realized something, I was never going to reach my ideal weight. That might sound extreme and like I’m giving up on myself, but it comes from a positive mindset I swear.
Something that was told to me so early on to me by my trainer was that “the scale doesn’t matter” and “not to focus on the number”. It’s hard at first to look at the number and not associate it with your success. The number on the scale can look drastically different on different body types, especially when you incorporate muscle gain. What I began to process was that if I was focused on reaching a certain weight, I was going to be left disappointed. My weight wasn’t an accurate reflection of me, my worth, or the hard work I was putting in.
Letting go of that was tough, but it became easier when I found other things of more substance that I could use to track my journey. Lifting heavier weights, running for longer periods of time, being able to deadlift, all things I could see my improvement and could place value in.
Through that I began to appreciate my body for what it did, kick ass. My body is strong. It works hard. It’s what gets me through an entire boxing class, what keeps me going on a run, what dances the night away when I’m out with my friends. I might not be exactly where I want to be, but I’ve learned to appreciate the progress I’ve made, reminding myself of where I started, where I was at a year or just a few months ago.
I also had to be okay with failing, knowing that I could, quite literally, fall on my face (truly the first time I ran on a woodway I thought that was going to happen if I let go of the bar). But then knowing that I was strong enough, both mentally and physically, to get back up and try again.
Body Positivity isn’t just about physical strength, in fact I would argue it shouldn’t be the main focus. Just like I do exercises at the gym for my fitness, I needed to do mental exercises to work on the relationship I have with my body. Truth be told, I found a lot of these had to do with clothing and how I dressed. Typically what's prevented me from wearing certain clothes in the past is how they bring attention to me or certain areas of my body. I realized that if I was waiting until I was my “ideal body type” to wear certain pieces because they showed my stomach, I would remain insecure and never actually wear the clothing items.
Knowing I was the only thing holding myself back in this regard I decided to just go for it. I wore crop tops that made my tummy visible, colorful sports bra and leggings sets to fitness classes, more form fitting clothes over baggy ones when I went to work out, spaghetti straps without a jacket covering my arms, and dresses that showed off my curves. At the beginning I won’t lie, I was definitely insecure. But over time I just stopped thinking about it and caring what others might. That’s not to say I don’t still focus in on my “flaws” from time to time, but no longer allowing that to bring me down or prevent myself from dressing how I want to is a huge step forward.
Finally, one of the biggest things I’ve worked on is believing in myself. This lesson is one I’ve learned more recently. So often when it came to fitness I was the first one to tell myself I couldn’t do something before I even tried it. I mean look at my original relationship with the gym, I truly thought I didn’t belong there because I wasn’t already in great shape, so silly.
I wasn’t able to get to this point on my own though. It took months of my trainer telling me I could do things; box, deadlift, keep up in a group strength training class, before I started believing I could do those things on my own. Like running. I go on a run once a week, and every time in the final lap when I’m completely miserable and out of breath, the thing that gets me to the end is telling myself “I can do this”.
In believing in myself in a field I struggled to feel confident in most of my life, it made it much easier to believe in myself in other areas as well. Take writing for example. Growing up I was incredibly insecure about my reading and writing capability. I didn’t think I was good at either and couldn’t envision myself becoming any better. I’m now a Journalism Major where writing is a majority of what I do. I’ve pushed myself to write on topics outside of my usual realm and have now taken on the role of Managing Editor for my publication. If I hadn’t put myself out there, I wouldn’t have been given the opportunity I now have to grow even more in this field.
At the end of the day, don’t let others be the deciding factor in what you can and cannot do, but especially don’t let yourself shutdown goals that are completely within reach.
This journey I’m on has no end date. These aspects of life are things I’m constantly working on to better myself and well being. The empowerment I now feel for myself and my body came from hard work, strength, and most of all, believing in myself.
Never did I think I would be at a place of confidence and self love where I would feel comfortable wearing a bikini at the beach, let alone posing for photos in it.
I’m incredibly grateful to be the woman I am today, who’s worked hard on herself, and through the ups and downs this past year has brought, has remained focused on her goals. But I’m also humble enough to know that I couldn’t have done it on my own. I have an entire cheer team of friends and family that I surround myself with, who keep me motivated, who hold me accountable, but most of all who bring me up instead of pushing me down.
I consider myself incredibly lucky and fortunate to be where I’m at in life, even in these challenging times.
Here’s to another year of progress.
